Things I Didn't Think I Would Learn at the Warrior Dash
As we made the last leg of our trip, I could hold back tears no longer. My heart began to tear open shedding its bottled up feelings of conviction and exposing the raw, tender area being sifted by the Lord. I poured out all that was swirling around in my head, my heart to my friend and she patiently listened, giving me the room to express myself and be vulnerable.
Allow me to rewind and give you the full picture though....
A couple of months ago it had popped up in my facebook that a friend of mine that I work out with was signing up to cross something off his bucket list, and was inviting others to sign up with him. I had seen these types of races in the past and was interested but never went through with actually signing up to do it, feeling rambunctious and a sense of camaraderie, I signed up and without too much effort convinced two of my other friends to sign up with me.
Starting off the day of the race, the girls and I painted up our faces and with windows down and music blaring we took off for the race location. We spoke of staying together and rolling around in the mud and laughing about it. We had a mixed group with us, some of us very fit, running it competitively and some determined to just have fun. Although the sanguine social part of me wanted to have fun, there was the other part of me, the competitive side that wanted to "go hard or go home", to give it my all, even if that meant making the trek alone as my fitness ability fell somewhere in the middle of the group.
We started out the long stretch of running at the beginning and I wanted to pull ahead of the girls that I had made the pact with, but I have a long standing motto of "nobody getting left behind", so I would run ahead and then pause to let them catch up. I wanted to run the race for time and strike out on my own, being very independent and quite hard headed shows itself not only in my everyday life but also how I approach fitness. I don't need anyone else to drive myself hard or to go on adventures with. Don't get me wrong, I love being with people and would prefer it over being alone but when I have to fly solo I have learned how to make the best of it and enjoy it along the way. Honestly over the course of my life, I have felt alone more than I have felt a part of something and it can create the sort of independence that makes one leery of leaning on someone too much or too hard. I have learned the art of getting back up after being knocked down, a lot of times when it felt like no one else was there to offer a hand or really they couldn't. No one can do physical therapy for you just like no one can rehabilitate you emotionally. A few years ago, life as I knew it crumbled under my feet and I was left alone, reeling from the most pain I had ever known in my adult life. I am forever grateful to the people that stood beside me, who called out to me as I stumbled around in the dark grief grasping at the ashes of dreams and hopes. Without the hope I have in the Lord and their embraces both physically and emotionally, I don't know what I would have done.
At times I have wrongly attributed my finesse for comebacks to me, how well Destiny can handle recovery, and the Lord over the years has firmly but gently reminded me, that the times I thought I was alone, that I have never, ever been alone. It still has created this tendency in me to set my face like flint, and strike out by myself. Just as being too dependent has its downfalls but also its beauty if your dependence is turned towards the Lord, being too independent can cause one to think too quickly that she can handle this or that, that all she has too do is strengthen her back and she can in fact carry and make it through without anyone else.
Signing up for the warrior dash, I knew that I was afraid of getting up on a ladder, even three steps up making me feel uneasy. What I didn't realize is that more than half of the obstacles were climbing up and over walls, small strips of board and most of all I didn't realize how much fear I actually had of those kinds of things.
I was so sure that I could have struck out on my own, but quickly realized at the first obstacle that I was going to have issues. Standing at the bottom of a very, very short wall, fear set in. As I tend to do, I pressed into it thinking I could deflate it as I do in other areas of my life. Instead it became bigger. Emily and Lauryn, (the girls that I stayed back with) and Roberto, another one of the guys in our group quickly became an invaluable source of encouragement. As they called out to me I felt courage rise up in me, freezing at the top of the first obstacle, legs shaking, their voices brought comfort, telling me that I could in fact do it. The story repeated itself for most of the obstacles. I could run through the mud, jump over the fire, and crawl under barbwire without any thought of fear or apprehension but as I came to each climbing wall, I believe the only thing that gave me the ability to get over the walls was the familiar voices of friends cheering me on.
Nearing the end of the course, we came up on the biggest wall yet, easily 10 feet. Already beginning to question my ability, once again it was my friends that helped me to believe I could even give it a shot. I made it to the top of the wall, with much shaking and disbelief, but as I neared the top thoughts of trying to get on top and over it began to overwhelm me. I froze, choking up in frustration with myself and a bit of fear mixed in. My faithful friends calling out, affirming me and giving me the mental boost helped me to get that far and a gentleman at the top grabbed my hand and placed it at the top. Still frozen and not sure I would be able to get over my feet slipped out from under me and I began to fall, hands on the rope and basically "fire-manning" the rope I rode down quickly although not nearly as painless or graceful as a fireman. (yes I just made that verb ha) At the bottom, to my embarrassment I found that the heavy duty rope had shredded my pants and also given me some not so lovely rope burn that unfortunately I could see without taking my pants off. My friends came over to check on me as I walked away to deal with the pain and to gather myself. Lauryn hugged me and tears sprung to my eyes out of a tiny bit of embarrassment but mostly just the adrenaline and fear that had coursed through me during the fall as well as a bit of frustration that I didn't conquer the wall.
Standing there, with my hands covering the huge rip in my pants, unsure what to do, Roberto a few feet away stripped down to his underwear and handed my friend his shorts. I didn't ask him to and it happened so fast I didn't have time to protest or argue. I just had to accept it and was I ever so glad to.
As we finished the race and headed home I felt the Lord began to speak to me. Out of the pain in my life I have developed this mindset where I am so sure I can make it on my own, that if I just keep pushing myself, if I keep going for it, if I just grin and bear it, I can make it out on the other side. I am strong; physically, mentally, emotionally and I can handle whatever happens. That day I was reminded how badly I need people around me, encouraging me, comforting me, pushing me. I think I can make it on my own and there are a lot of times I can, but there are times that you absolutely cannot make it on your own, that you NEED people around you. Yes, I could have ran ahead, could have pushed myself harder in the running portion but I would have never made it over those walls without my friends mentally giving me the boost over. Although the act of Roberto giving me his shorts may be seen as small, the Lord used it to heal some of me. It has happened in my life (as I am sure it has happened in yours as well) that someone that should have protected me from embarrassment, from humiliation, from being the outsider and from being hurt instead stepped aside and looked the other way, instead was the one that caused it. I was reminded that there are men out there that will step up, and out to be men of honor and sacrifice, that will lay down themselves for someone else. I was reminded that you need people in your corner, encouraging you and loving on you, and that it's ok to retreat to your corner when you need some of that because sometimes you just can't get over the wall without people around you. I am so thankful for all of you, not only the warrior dash crew, but my friends and family that have been there for me, my triumph fitness family, my spiritual family. Thank you!!
Allow me to rewind and give you the full picture though....
A couple of months ago it had popped up in my facebook that a friend of mine that I work out with was signing up to cross something off his bucket list, and was inviting others to sign up with him. I had seen these types of races in the past and was interested but never went through with actually signing up to do it, feeling rambunctious and a sense of camaraderie, I signed up and without too much effort convinced two of my other friends to sign up with me.
Starting off the day of the race, the girls and I painted up our faces and with windows down and music blaring we took off for the race location. We spoke of staying together and rolling around in the mud and laughing about it. We had a mixed group with us, some of us very fit, running it competitively and some determined to just have fun. Although the sanguine social part of me wanted to have fun, there was the other part of me, the competitive side that wanted to "go hard or go home", to give it my all, even if that meant making the trek alone as my fitness ability fell somewhere in the middle of the group.
We started out the long stretch of running at the beginning and I wanted to pull ahead of the girls that I had made the pact with, but I have a long standing motto of "nobody getting left behind", so I would run ahead and then pause to let them catch up. I wanted to run the race for time and strike out on my own, being very independent and quite hard headed shows itself not only in my everyday life but also how I approach fitness. I don't need anyone else to drive myself hard or to go on adventures with. Don't get me wrong, I love being with people and would prefer it over being alone but when I have to fly solo I have learned how to make the best of it and enjoy it along the way. Honestly over the course of my life, I have felt alone more than I have felt a part of something and it can create the sort of independence that makes one leery of leaning on someone too much or too hard. I have learned the art of getting back up after being knocked down, a lot of times when it felt like no one else was there to offer a hand or really they couldn't. No one can do physical therapy for you just like no one can rehabilitate you emotionally. A few years ago, life as I knew it crumbled under my feet and I was left alone, reeling from the most pain I had ever known in my adult life. I am forever grateful to the people that stood beside me, who called out to me as I stumbled around in the dark grief grasping at the ashes of dreams and hopes. Without the hope I have in the Lord and their embraces both physically and emotionally, I don't know what I would have done.
At times I have wrongly attributed my finesse for comebacks to me, how well Destiny can handle recovery, and the Lord over the years has firmly but gently reminded me, that the times I thought I was alone, that I have never, ever been alone. It still has created this tendency in me to set my face like flint, and strike out by myself. Just as being too dependent has its downfalls but also its beauty if your dependence is turned towards the Lord, being too independent can cause one to think too quickly that she can handle this or that, that all she has too do is strengthen her back and she can in fact carry and make it through without anyone else.
Signing up for the warrior dash, I knew that I was afraid of getting up on a ladder, even three steps up making me feel uneasy. What I didn't realize is that more than half of the obstacles were climbing up and over walls, small strips of board and most of all I didn't realize how much fear I actually had of those kinds of things.
I was so sure that I could have struck out on my own, but quickly realized at the first obstacle that I was going to have issues. Standing at the bottom of a very, very short wall, fear set in. As I tend to do, I pressed into it thinking I could deflate it as I do in other areas of my life. Instead it became bigger. Emily and Lauryn, (the girls that I stayed back with) and Roberto, another one of the guys in our group quickly became an invaluable source of encouragement. As they called out to me I felt courage rise up in me, freezing at the top of the first obstacle, legs shaking, their voices brought comfort, telling me that I could in fact do it. The story repeated itself for most of the obstacles. I could run through the mud, jump over the fire, and crawl under barbwire without any thought of fear or apprehension but as I came to each climbing wall, I believe the only thing that gave me the ability to get over the walls was the familiar voices of friends cheering me on.
Nearing the end of the course, we came up on the biggest wall yet, easily 10 feet. Already beginning to question my ability, once again it was my friends that helped me to believe I could even give it a shot. I made it to the top of the wall, with much shaking and disbelief, but as I neared the top thoughts of trying to get on top and over it began to overwhelm me. I froze, choking up in frustration with myself and a bit of fear mixed in. My faithful friends calling out, affirming me and giving me the mental boost helped me to get that far and a gentleman at the top grabbed my hand and placed it at the top. Still frozen and not sure I would be able to get over my feet slipped out from under me and I began to fall, hands on the rope and basically "fire-manning" the rope I rode down quickly although not nearly as painless or graceful as a fireman. (yes I just made that verb ha) At the bottom, to my embarrassment I found that the heavy duty rope had shredded my pants and also given me some not so lovely rope burn that unfortunately I could see without taking my pants off. My friends came over to check on me as I walked away to deal with the pain and to gather myself. Lauryn hugged me and tears sprung to my eyes out of a tiny bit of embarrassment but mostly just the adrenaline and fear that had coursed through me during the fall as well as a bit of frustration that I didn't conquer the wall.
Standing there, with my hands covering the huge rip in my pants, unsure what to do, Roberto a few feet away stripped down to his underwear and handed my friend his shorts. I didn't ask him to and it happened so fast I didn't have time to protest or argue. I just had to accept it and was I ever so glad to.
As we finished the race and headed home I felt the Lord began to speak to me. Out of the pain in my life I have developed this mindset where I am so sure I can make it on my own, that if I just keep pushing myself, if I keep going for it, if I just grin and bear it, I can make it out on the other side. I am strong; physically, mentally, emotionally and I can handle whatever happens. That day I was reminded how badly I need people around me, encouraging me, comforting me, pushing me. I think I can make it on my own and there are a lot of times I can, but there are times that you absolutely cannot make it on your own, that you NEED people around you. Yes, I could have ran ahead, could have pushed myself harder in the running portion but I would have never made it over those walls without my friends mentally giving me the boost over. Although the act of Roberto giving me his shorts may be seen as small, the Lord used it to heal some of me. It has happened in my life (as I am sure it has happened in yours as well) that someone that should have protected me from embarrassment, from humiliation, from being the outsider and from being hurt instead stepped aside and looked the other way, instead was the one that caused it. I was reminded that there are men out there that will step up, and out to be men of honor and sacrifice, that will lay down themselves for someone else. I was reminded that you need people in your corner, encouraging you and loving on you, and that it's ok to retreat to your corner when you need some of that because sometimes you just can't get over the wall without people around you. I am so thankful for all of you, not only the warrior dash crew, but my friends and family that have been there for me, my triumph fitness family, my spiritual family. Thank you!!
Warrior Dash (reppin Triumph Fitness baby!)
(L-R)Dusty, Roberto (hiding the back because he is in his underwear), Colby,
Lauryn, myself and Emily
Warrior Girls
I will call these my "warrior pants". (yes these are that is the hole from my rope ride)haha
Comments
And thank you for helping me over my walls. You've been reaping what you've sown!